What's in My Playlist Currently

I listen to these "normal" songs after a completed hour of studying as I study with classical music. My "normal" is probably not everyone else's normal. My taste is more indie-pop/alternative/rock.

An emotional rock song, I prefer the Ryan Adams cover instead of the original Alice in Chains' version. Listen to the emotions:




A heavier rock song that I really like:




Another heavier rock song -- not for everybody with all the screaming but how can you not like the beginning?:




I cannot believe I haven't taken Florence + The Machine seriously all this time. Their music is gorgeous. Very "theatrical", the way I like it. A mixture of indie rock and soul. I see similarities between Florence and HURTS and Lana Del Rey. An example of the musical goodness you're missing out on all this while:




Now, here's something totally different. Some random anime soundtrack:

Ponder

Watching elderly people humbles me.

My Dad requested (nicer term for "bugged") me to follow him back up North in Perak to visit my paternal Grandmother. I rarely talk about her, in comparison with my maternal Gran who stays 30 minutes away. Honestly, I hesitated. I did what I always do, I weighed my pros and cons. I didn't want to compromise my revision time but I doubt I'd get work done at home irregardless... and I didn't relish the idea of disappointing my Dad and feeling guilty later.

So, I went. With five bags for a night's stay. For justification, the bags were mostly paper bags and I'm going to college on Monday morning!

Seeing her so alone in that estate of hers makes me think about old age. And death. And time. She walks with a walking stick (I used to be her improvised walking stick when I was a child). She's so... old. Mind,  I'm vocabulary-handicapped when the topic comes with a barrage of emotions. While I was studying in the kitchen, she came out of her room at 11pm, claiming she couldn't sleep. We talked for one hour, I was unhealthily drinking hot chocolate and she her black sesame oat drink (for the diabetic).

The next morning, which was today, we went to the market and restaurant with Dad. Tanjung Malim is a small enough town, so everybody knows everybody. The flurry of "Oh, this is his daughter? She's so old now!.... She's so tall!... When is she going to get married?" The previous remarks were making me woozy, what's with my attempt to keep smiling politely because they were strangers to me but the last remark about getting married -- holy guacamole! Impossibru. 

My grandmother rarely goes out to the market area because of her leg. She does have a bicycle though, but I'm always conflicted because the still functional bicycle does not discount the fact that it's old and rusty. My Uncle comes every fortnight to get her food for the week, or one of my Aunts will help. Sometimes, she'll have Dim Sum mornings with her friends. Seeing her, parading the fact that my Dad and I are here -- it's just too sad for me.

I don't know, it was a simple enough night and morning. I was glad I agreed to go. Every time I leave her place, I'd make sure I wave and say my goodbyes a couple of times. Just to let her know that I'm leaving the place half-heartedly, that it was good seeing her, and that I will be coming back.

My Opinion on Feminazis (and I'm Not Likely To Change It)

Feminism.


Ack. This word, unfortunately, conjures up in my head: braless, red-faced, unshaven women with signboards voicing their deep displeasure in the streets. I'm not against my own sex for fighting for equality but I think it's pathetic that some, to prove a point, they're reduced to acting like bigoted Neanderthals. Worse, for the more radical of feminists, they have to publicly eschew and condemn little things like make up and fashionable clothing and funnily enough, bodily hair.


(Maybe I'm not the best candidate to rant about bodily hair because I'm er, not endowed with much bodily hair -- never had to shave, no hairy arms/legs, moustache situation going on.)


I think it's pathetic! Isn't the feminist movement supposed to promote equality and freedom of choice? Then, let's come up with PRACTICAL and REASONABLE solutions! Not ban yourself from wearing bras. Don't blame anyone when your boobs go South on you ten years later.


And oh, you're going topless? Well,  then go ahead, show us your boobs. You're failing miserably if you want to prove that you want to be treated equally because I'll be too busy looking at you like you're Hannibal Lecter on the loose to "treat you equally like a man". There are other ways.


Also, what's this bloody suggestion that women should all pack up, leave our lives as we know it and live together in a commune?


I'm not shitting you. It was proposed by what's-her-name to solve the issue of family oppressing women (was too flabbergasted to notice her name but it was on the bottom right side of my 1000 paged textbook and yes, I memorise points by remembering where they are on pages in my head. It comes naturally!)


As a rational female and someone who actually wants to "assuage" my biological need for a man, I cannot do what whats-her-name proposed. It's... stupid. How is that going to solve the very problems with sexual discrimination? Is living a commune with women going to solve the unequal distribution of salary? Hell no, and I don't need to be Einstein to figure this one out.


It's much like the Bersih movement in my country. I think Bersih carries a good message at its core: fair elections. How nice, eh. But, some of the people joining the movement do not even know truly what the message is. Do you, who's busy waving your opinions on Facebook, know what you're talking about? It's not about going against the government, it's certainly not about jumping on cars like embarrassing hooligans.


Oops, a little slightly political tangent but you see my point.




Just like how some feminists miss the entirety of the movement. I remember studying and this thought came to me: have they thought about how it is the woman's choice she wants to clean her home? Maybe cleaning her home 50% more than her husband is her choice? And not, as you call it, oppression? Am I going to let my home be festered by cockroaches and termites just because it's oppressive if my husband doesn't help? Am I going to let my child starve at home because I want to prove a point?



I sometimes am aware of the passes I get as a female. The more... lowly females like to use their sex, feign the "weak" party to escape predicaments or take advantage of men. Males buy that act like a kitten lapping milk (voluntary, when they think with their other body part). Isn't that inequality too? We expect  men to pay when we go out on dates, isn't that inequality? Yes, it's a "gentlemanly" thing to do, but ladies, please at least suggest to go Dutch. (going Dutch means paying for yourself)


I don't think the fight for equality is over universally. I was told in class that Germany is pretty sexist when it comes to employment which came as a shock because in my still-fettered mind, I thought Asian countries were less egalitarian whereas European countries more equal. I've learned both sides of the argument -- feminists who believe that men are out to strangle and oppress them and those who believe otherwise. But, think about it, equality for all -- in race, gender, age -- do not exist because humans are imperfect and there are differences in mentality and culture. Don't go all John Lennon's Imagine on me.


That being said, I admire liberal feminists. Generally, I admire anyone who is intelligent and reasonable.


I'm not conditioned to side with men, if you think I am. I'm merely being rational. I may not come from a patriarchal family. I may not have experienced sexism first hand, may not have known anyone who has, but that doesn't mean I'm ignorant. For instance, I was outraged when I noticed that all legendary music composers were men and how women were disallowed from pursuing music careers (or any careers, for that matter).


But, I didn't feel the need to not wear underwear to show my outrage. Please let's use our brains.

Hahahahaha

Holy guacamole. I shivered.

“She was humbled, she was grieved; she repented, though she hardly knew of what. She became jealous of his esteem, when she could no longer hope to be benefited by it. She wanted to hear of him, when there seemed the least chance of gaining intelligence. She was convinced that she could have been happy with him, when it was no longer likely they should meet. What a triumph for him, as she often thought, could he know that the proposals which she had proudly spurned only four months ago, would now have been gladly and gratefully received! He was as generous, she doubted not, as the most generous of his sex. But while he was mortal, there must be a triumph.”

(Pride and Prejudice, Chapter 50)

The Length Competition Takes You

First, it was TIME who came up with an awfully... strange cover. Very disturbing, indeed. Even more disturbing for the boy whose eyes seem to pierce you.

And I suppose NEWSWEEK had to compete somehow with a more controversial cover. Badly done, how tacky is that candy coloured halo? Hire a better graphics team!

It's only been Day Two of my two-weeks-crunch-time schedule and I managed to do fairly well in staying true to the list of work I need to get done in a day -- at the expense of my mood. During these times, I wonder if everyone has it as badly as I have it. Are those who live the life of a library hermit suffering like I am? Maybe suffering is too bombastic of a word. I'm just tired. I've simultaneously revised and slacked (not necessarily in the same proportions haha) for months now and I feel so fucking jaded.

I ought to count my blessings though that Sciences are taking the frontlines this time around -- which is only fair considering how the Humanities tested first last year for AS! There's no way in hell I can be alive if my exam starts tomorrow. I'm angry too, frankly, I feel a bit silly. I know that I have to "suffer", I know I have to wake up hours later to get my arse to the bloody consultation at 10.30am. I'm getting potty mouthed -- but I'm done with censoring myself -- for now. I know I have to get through the essays and the readings and the memorization because A's don't magically fall on your lap, you know.

I examined my actual effort (as in not the effort I delusioned myself into thinking --  reading two pages of my Law textbook doesn't count as "revising". Actual revising is one chapter a day which I'm trying fervently to do). Realistically, I have put in effort, more than last year because you had no idea how lazy I was for AS, but it is not enough. Seriously.

But it's so difficult! The long, excruciating hours. The eye and head aches during the evenings. I mean, 12 hours in the library for weeks is no joke. I know that if it was easy everyone would've taken A-Levels and not something easier like a foundation in Arts or Business or go to modeling school.

I'm typing this uncannily on my iPod touch (named Thor) in the dark and i feel the pull, the obligation to finish that blasted essay in my bag. Just so I can check my list. It is now when the heroine curls up to the hero's arms. Sleeeeep.